15 Feb A princess tale
I should know, at this point, there isn’t a charming prince with a white horse who’s gonna come rescue me and madly fall in love with me. I mean, we all know that is just a story.
So why in the back on my mind, I keep having this belief so vivid, still so unquestionable? Every time I fell for it. I think what happens is that we all fancy love and recognition. We all want to feel those butterflies in our stomach, that marvelous anxiety typical of the adolescence phase where everything is so powerful, so raw, so perceived in every cell of your body. It’s like the all universe is conspiring for you and with you. It all seemed so magical and at the same time so brutal. Do you recall?
The question I must ask to myself is why I still foresee to this??? Why my psyche is still looking for this type of connections which are more sensorial, based on chemical reactions, hormonal and physical attraction. Maybe I never really matured and don’t want to. I foolishly think I will never grew old if I keep up with it. I want to believe that love is beautiful, all sexual and intense. But actually love is a whole other thing which I think sometimes I have no clue of it.
So let me confess my deepest fear. To be alone the rest of my life. Not being able to find my “partner in crime”. it is a bit contradictory to what I’m about to say. Through out my life, I just played out the independent girl part. The girl that doesn’t need anything from anyone. It is a very strong side of me. I believe this side does exist as it is my way of shielding myself. I had to learn to be strong and to take care of myself at a very young age. I’m proud of me, I know I react to emergencies with a cold minded approach. I don’t even blink. I don’t froze. I just act with a plan or solution. That’s my thing. I’ve learnt to be alone and to be ok with it. I even enjoy a lot being by myself. I find it helpful to recharge my energies and I come back to the world with new insights.
That’s the beauty of it. On the other side of the coin, to be self-reliant, free spirit, apparently careless and very compassionate it seems not to be considered a very high standard qualities for guys whom in their belief system I’m seen as trouble. I’ve always questioned others opinions, I would do the same with anyone if I didn’t agree. And I know confrontation is not always well accepted in emotionally unprepared souls. But I chose my life path. I know my value and I’m not settling down for less anymore. Even though sometimes a small piece of me does emerge on the surface believing in the needy princess story, I doubt. The key of maintaining a strong bound with someone is to know who you are.
I have had my fair share of toxic relationships which taught me I can’t accept it anymore in my life. It took too much vitality from me, I even assumed I had lost all my light, my very pure essence. I didn’t. I know that now. I think it’s harder to find like minded people, people whom vibe at your same level and are not afraid to get into the game of love again and again. I have been a wreck for love but I still believe in it so strongly. I have not lost faith in it. I worked my way through it. I found peace and acceptance within me. I gained so much clarity from it all the lessons I had the pleasure to experience. I’m learning to let this process of mental judgement and doubts vanish and transform in something better. That’s where I’m at.
The princess tale is just a fable. We were taught we needed a savior as we grew up. Although, in fact, we are our own hero. We don’t need anyone to fill in our void. Eventually the emptiness will grow bigger. We mystify others and give away our power expecting others to patch up holes along the way. We should take responsibility of our own happiness. Commit to it, to ourselves. No one should be rescuing anyone emotionally and load up with someone else’s ball shit. A true companionship is one who’s going to truly see you in all of your shades and choose to love you. Being in a relationship requires work on both parts.
You decide the script of your own story.
In my reviewed version, the princess grew up and became a queen of her own realm, of herself. Everything else we shall see..
To love is to risk. Therefore, to love is to be brave. Courageously we must give ourselves what we need.
With love always…
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