04 Mar Why not me??!!
I have to be sincere, I have been struggling a lot with myself lately. I am at this turning point right now, where I normally in a blink of an eye, I would just re invent myself and star over as I did so many times before. I used to change jobs as places to live so easily. If I wasn’t happy, if I felt I was not inspired anymore, I used to find a way right away to just go to a different direction. Since I think this time it’s different, it not about finding another job or another place to live. I have already my place to live and a job actually. A job I held for the last 6 years. This time it’s about letting myself be who I’m supposed to be with no limitations and create something from scratches, something new, something I have never done in my work experience. I’m in process of learning how to deal with old mental structures and install new programing in my psyche. I mean this is a big deal!
So all my fears of rejections, all my insecurities of not being good enough plus my ego telling me what the f***k you are doing is coming up to surface and meanwhile trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be is harsh.
I usually tend to push everything down the rug and deal with later when I think I’m more aligned, let’s say I procrastinate a bit time to time. So, to help me not thinking about it, I become per active and as result, a little obsess with sports. So I surf a lot, I do yoga, I do whatever it takes to make me feel so tired physically that procrastinate makes sense. I need my faire share of sleeping and resting, that’s what my ego fed to me as an excuse. OMG!!!
So since the universe works in mysterious ways, last week I injured myself while surfing.
My board heat me back so hard on my left ear, that I f****ing perforate my eardrum. Yeah really!!!! And since I still have an ongoing ear infections, which is not helping me to heal properly, I’m taking now antibiotics and a corticoid for the next 10 days. Of course no water sports of any kind for at least other 2 weeks. Which for me, it sucks since it’s my “drug”.
As I was saying, the universe does wok in mysterious ways. I’m forced by it to really tap into my own uniqueness and figure out how to use it to honor myself and help others going through the same.
This morning, I went for a walk to the beautiful dunes, since I feel a bit disappointed lately, I’m not in the mood of going to the gym and close up my self in between walls. You know, I already feel trapped (figuratively speaking of course) at the moment. And while I was taking this step forward on being outdoor and just letting myself feel whatever I need to, I was listening to Cara Alwill audiobook Girl on fire on amazon, and the last chapter she said “Why not me?”. And it stroked me. It hit me like a thunder in a middle of a crystal clear day. Like a light ball that it just light up and all of the sudden darkness doesn’t exist anymore. So Why not me??? Why not you??? Exactly, why not??!!!! I have so much to give, we all do!!! We all are unique humans beings, we all have our gifts to share with the world. We all have our own light to support one other, to complete one another, to help each others. We all are in the same boat, we are here trying to figure out who we are truly and deeply and what is our mission. Just that simple question opened up an all new prospective of how I see myself. We tend to see ourselves through different lenses with different shades, depending on how well or bad that day is going. Our ego, who’s part of the protection/survival mode, sometimes it takes in supremacy. Like dictator of the mind, it just determine who ever you are. But in time, with a lot of self work and self awareness, you can perceive it’s not the only one there. There is much more. There is a voice that comes form within, sometimes it has been set down so much and so many times in order to survive traumas that you don’t hear it anymore. It doesn’t mean it disappeared. It only means you have to give space to yourself to feel and to let live within you all of you. And when you are ready to listen, it will speak again and guide you.
Let yourself be inspired by nature, by a book, by a beautiful butterfly that just landed on your balcony plants, by a smile from a stranger, by the good meal you just made with love for yourself. Whatever it is, breathe it, feel it, appreciate it and let it go. There will be bad days and good days. I don’t think we have to know everything every time. I don’t think we have to have it all figured out. Sometimes you just don’t. And that’s ok. It will take shape and form only if you let yourself be open to whatever it is. I trust the process now, more than ever now. I’m not afraid. I embrace who I am. So I hope you too do the same.
With love always.
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